When you think about the problems that arise in your relationship, a few common factors will come up time and again. Believe it or not, some of them may have their origins in your childhood...
Many of our beliefs about ourselves, expectations about how we should be treated, and defensive "go-to" tendencies were laid down at an early age... way before you were even aware it was happening.
These may be things that feel automatic, and entirely appropriate and reasonable to you. On results though, they may not give you the outcome you're looking for.
Questioning, exploring and understanding your own defenses and beliefs is an important first step to improve your relationship and may be the game-changer you need.
If your goal is to improve the way you show up in your relationships, (and hint, this is always the BEST place to start, and let's face it, is the one thing you can truly control...), begin by identifying what family life looked like in your home...
How did your parents or carers cope under pressure or in conflict with each other? Did they have a tendency to react in the same characteristic way in most instances? You may have observed sarcasm, criticism, blame, blazing arguments, contempt, 'right-fighting', anger flare ups, slamming doors, defensiveness, avoiding each other, shutting down or freezing one another out with the silent treatment....
Are there any links between their behaviours and your own at this point? It may be an uncomfortable realisation, but it's important to think on this.... We learn from what we see and experience and, thankfully, we can learn new ways to show up that are less harmful to the relationship but still allow us to express ourselves (and our needs) effectively.
Observe yourself closely over the next month or so. Do you both feel closer to each other after conflict or further apart? If it's the latter, then recognising how you each respond (and its origins) and therefore how you could adapt your approach, may help you both to turn conflict into the opportunity for deeper understanding that it could be.
Are there needs that you have in your current relationship that may actually stem from unmet needs experienced as a young person? Could there be a link between these needs and your present role in your relationship? And in conflict? How does this play out for you? Understanding and managing these deeply held needs could help your relationship to grow in amazing ways.
Need help? My 'Relationship Refresh' Couples' Coaching Program steps you through all of this and much more.
On its own, my hope is that this blog post, at the very least, draws your attention to the way your own behaviours and beliefs may have been shaped by your family of origin and that, happily, there are options to relearn, tweak or change these responses to propel you back towards this person that you love so much.
Carolyn x
* Please note, if you are in a physically or emotionally unsafe relationship, it is important to seek assistance immediately. Safety always takes priority - speak to 1800RESPECT for help if you suspect you're in a domestic violence situation or phone 000 for immediate support if you or any member of your family are in danger.