Feeling like you don't deserve the success? Shouldn't be there? Haven't earned it..? Could you actually be a fake? A phony? A complete imposter....?
'Imposter Syndrome' describes the sensation of not feeling worthy of the way you are viewed by others. It can happen at any time in your life:
You may have just won an award, received a promotion or landed a new role. You might have brought something into your life that immediately raised your status or placed you in the spotlight in some way.
At this point, you may not feel entirely worthy. You might feel like those around you think you're Something That You're Not. Ugh!
Feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt can feel distinctly uncomfortable.
Perceived judgment or rejection by others may lead some people to even self-sabotage to re-establish the status quo. Yes, self-sabotage is absolutely counter-intuitive, but more common than you may realise. Think of a time you've downplayed, given up or reversed an opportunity in your life, just to fit in or even make someone else feel less insecure...
A Story
Maybe life is playing out in a bigger way than it did, and you're finding it difficult to adjust.
My (possibly challenging) question is: "Why shouldn't it be you?"
Years ago I worked with a client who had experienced something amazing. She had been promoted two huge levels in a large company. She wanted to overcome the very real feeling that she was a fraud and that it would all come crashing down.
I asked her to think about these questions:
What do you fear the most right now?
What do you need the most right now?
What opportunities are there, now that you're here?
Why shouldn't this opportunity be yours?
For her, the fear of failure was ever-present. In exploring these questions, she was able to step back from her initial fears and explore the meaning she had made from the experience.
She figured that her calm, curious approach meant that she could gain knowledge very quickly and form valuable partnerships. Her greatest fear - not knowing enough - could actually be a strength because she had fresh new ideas and perspectives. She noticed things that others may not have and found she had valuable skills already that could be adapted.
In figuring out what she needed the most (training, support from management, self-forgiveness, guidance), she was able to speak up and arrange mentoring, skills coaching and a mini-network of encouraging, positive colleagues. This further helped her to feel comfortable in this daunting new role and start to see evidence for her worthiness.
Through counselling, she identified some unique personal strengths and reminded herself of these whenever doubt crept in. She also learned how to forgive herself if things went wrong, talk about her feelings, re-frame her fears, celebrate even the tiniest successes and manage stress by living more mindfully in the present. She learned how to be curious about other people's opinions and to avoid perceiving others' reactions as criticism.
Imposter Syndrome doesn't need to be your downfall. Consider the following steps:
Collect and regularly revisit any positive feedback that you receive
Regularly reflect on your situation with gratitude
Talk about the challenges you face with trusted friends, colleagues and mentors
Forgive any mistakes or "failure" as learning or growth - practice deliberate self-compassion
Regard negative people with curiosity, not defensiveness
View your current resources, knowledge and relationships for what they are - your strengths
Be kind to yourself
Learn some stress-busting grounding techniques
Create an environment around you that is soothing, comfortable and affirming
Find support that is aligned to your values - find your 'tribe'
Be honest about what you need and seek it out purposefully
Through a combination of preparation, opportunity and sometimes a little luck, you have arrived Somewhere That Others Would Like To Be.
Why shouldn't you embrace the largeness of this new space and approach it with your best mindset? You're as worthy of this experience as any other and now is the time to make it your own.
Carolyn xx
Got some questions? Need more information or want to book an appointment? Learn more about Counselling with Carolyn here or comment below. Follow Carolyn on Facebook or Instagram - @counsellingbycarolyn