You try everything you can think of. Try to prove yourself, impress or lure them back. Thought about them endlessly. It has taken over your mind and you are feeling less secure and more needy every day.
Maybe you've cut this person out of your life before. But back you go again, seeking their approval, their comfort and their focus. Even if it feels negative at times, or that you're not welcome or even valued by them..... without them though, life feels miserable, unbearable even. They're like an addiction or bad habit you can't seem to shake.
The truth is that you can't change THEM.
The one thing you can do though, is to focus on YOU.
Help is here. Take a sheet of paper and divide it into 4 columns. Let's get started:
FACTS | LOSSES |
FEELINGS | RESTORATION |
1. The facts of the situation.
It's time to get clear on what's really going on. Answer the following in the "Facts" column:
How much genuine effort are each of you putting into this relationship? i.e. Me 85%, Them 15%
What are the physical and emotional impacts of your current mindset towards your ex?
What repeated messages (words and actions - read between the lines) do you hear from the other person?
What has happened in the past between the two of you? Make a timeline of actual actions, consequences and facts as they occurred.
2. What are you really seeking?
In the "Feelings" column, write:
What feeling do you crave above all others that you're attempting to obtain from staying in contact with this person currently?
Maybe it's a feeling you haven't felt for some time. It may be acceptance, reassurance, comfort, nurturing, friendship, pride, approval or some other feeling. Be clear on what the feelings are for you. Name them and be aware of where else in your life they may be missing.
3. What are you really avoiding?
In the third column "Losses", write answers to these questions:
When you focus on this person, what are you avoiding that may need your attention?
Have you neglected other people or parts of your life lately and who/what are they?
Have you allowed your own self-care or health needs to suffer? Which needs have you ignored?
Have you put yourself in extreme situations or felt your mood change as a result of giving away your thoughts to this relationship? How has this impacted you?
4. Getting back to you.
In the fourth column "Restoration", write down:
What are THREE things you can do immediately to bring happiness to your world? (Hint: consider things that are under your actual control).
How can you direct the feeling that you crave the most, toward YOU? i.e. if you crave acceptance from the person, how can you learn to accept yourself more fully?
Where can you get help to craft the life you want to live?
Outcome: This exercise allows you to change your focus from the relationship back to YOU.
By examining the real facts of the situation, your own needs, and how you can act right now to honour your own happiness, you can shift the focus from someone you CAN'T influence, to a place of empowerment and self-directed growth and renewed joy.
Have some questions? Would you like to learn more about therapy, life coaching, family relationships or communication? Contact me here or follow me on Facebook or Instagram - @counsellingbycarolyn
Carolyn xx
#yoyorelationships #navigatingbreakup #lettinggo #selfcare #counsellinginwhittlesea #zoomcounselling #whittleseacounsellor #talktocarolyn
Learn more about counselling: www.talktocarolyn.com
Read more blog posts: www.talktocarolyn.com.au/blog
Visit Carolyn's Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/counsellingbycarolyn
Book in for counselling here.
Comments