The Secret to Emotional Connection Most Couples Overlook

In any relationship, communication is the heartbeat - but listening is the oxygen. Want to know how to increase understanding, show empathy and reassure your partner that what they’re saying truly matters to you? Let's get started.

Listening can be a unique challenge, particularly if you're the less emotional/more practical partner. This blog describes a simple Daily Check-in that may be the very answer you've been looking for.

(Hint: It has improved the way my couple therapy clients communicate, creating deeper and more emotionally intimate connections).

✳️ So what is it?

The Daily Check-in involves growing your relationship closeness through being present, responding thoughtfully, and checking for understanding - rather than jumping in to solve, defend, add to, avoid or distract.

It's learnable - and it's a relationship hack you'll use forever.

✳️ A Step-by-Step Strategy

Below is an 8-step process that breaks the Daily Check-In into manageable steps.

1. Set the Scene

• Do this: Find a quiet, stress-free moment. Remove distractions (put down your phone). Don't try this exercise if you're hungry, thirsty, tired or under the influence of a substance.

  
  

• Invite your partner to talk: “Let me know what’s on your mind”, or “tell me more about…”, or “I just wanted to check in with you - how are you feeling today?”

  
  

• Tip: Sometimes it may be helpful to face slightly away or sit side-by-side to reduce eye contact pressure. Ask your partner what suits them best.

2. Use Your Body to Show You’re Present

• Do this: Nod occasionally, use small and genuine encouragers (i.e. mm-hmm, oh, ok, wow!) and avoid fidgeting or butting in. (But, if fidgeting does helps you concentrate, communicate that upfront).

  
  

• Stay calm: Breathe slowly and deeply to calm your own emotions. It can be challenging to hear your person talk about stressful things.

• Take a pause: After your partner finishes speaking, pause for a few seconds before responding. This helps reduce impulsive replies and gives you time to process what you’ve heard.

3. Reflect What You Heard

• Start with: “So, what I heard you say was XXX…” or “It sounds like you’re feeling XXX…”

  
  

• Keep it simple: Summarise what they said to the best of your recall - *without adding to it, interpreting it, defending yourself, correcting, trying to solve or being dismissive (this may take some practice).

  
  

  Display how well you've listened by reflecting back the main points of what they've said. Capture the essence of their thoughts without adding your own flavour. Use their own words as much as you can.

  
  

• Check your accuracy: “Did I get that right?” (It’s 100% ok if you didn’t, simply ask for clarification, let them clarify and summarise that).

4. OPTIONAL: Encourage Your Partner to Share More

• Try: “Wow, what was that like for you?” or “Can you tell me more about that part?” or “What happened next?”

  
  

• Avoid: Yes/no questions and don’t give advice unless specifically asked. Giving unwanted advice can show a lack of self-awareness.

  
  

• Tip: Don’t switch the conversation around to make it about yourself. This is their time to share.

5. Validate Feelings

• Say this: If appropriate, say encouraging things like: “That sounds frustrating” or “It makes sense you’d feel that way” or “I’d be frustrated too in that situation”.

  
  

• You don’t have to agree: Even if you don’t agree, listen and reflect back how this is feeling for them. Show you care by listening deeply. You'll get a chance to give your views on things later.

  
  

• Notice their strengths or capability: “Wow, that would have taken courage…” or “You did that? That’s amazing…” or “How did you juggle all of that at once?”

6. Avoid Fixing It (*Unless Invited)

• Remember, don't try to fix the problem, defend yourself or change your partner’s mind: Resist the urge to solve the problem unless they say, “What do you think I should do?” Even then, keep it brief and check-in to see if your thoughts were actually helpful.

  
  

• If unsure, ask: “Would you like advice or just a sounding board?”

  
  

• It’s not rocket science: Being a sounding board is easier than you might think:

  
  

  • Listen so you can paraphrase it back

  • Maintain supportive eye contact

  • Notice strengths.

    
    

    (There's no pressure on you to fix what's bothering them, the supportive listening is the magic).

8. Check in (don't skip this step)

• Summarise key points then ask: “Did I get that right?” Allow them to agree or re-clarify. Then summarise the clarified points they've made back to them.

• To get extra emotional intelligence points: The next day/in future, show you remember what matters most to them: “You mentioned feeling overwhelmed last night - how are you now?” This builds trust and displays loving care.

  
  

✳️ Final Thoughts

If you don’t know how to be present emotionally for your partner, practicing these simple steps on a daily basis can help them to feel seen, heard and loved. In turn, your emotional intimacy increases and paves the way for a stronger bond.

Practice this and follow up with sharing your own news, thoughts

Start small. Celebrate small wins. This is easier than you think.

And remember: Listening well is love in action.

Carolyn xx

#dailycheckin #relationshiphelp #listeningtounderstand #stepstosuccess #communicationtips #couplescounselling

Please feel welcome to share this with someone you feel might benefit from it.

Here's a little about me:

I've been a registered Counsellor in practice since 2016. I specialise in relationships, grief and life transitions, assisting clients to self-reflect, process past hurts, increase emotional skillsets and improve their lives. I see clients in person in Whittlesea Vic, or via Zoom or phone. I am also a Clinical Supervisor, assisting other Counsellors to do their best work. Please feel welcome to follow the links to find out more or place a booking.

Learn more about individual and relationship counselling here: www.talktocarolyn.com.au

Read more blog posts here: www.talktocarolyn.com.au/blog

Visit Carolyn's Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/counsellingbycarolyn

Book in an individual or couple's appointment here.