top of page
Search

You can't choose your family...

Writer's picture: Carolyn the CounsellorCarolyn the Counsellor

Updated: Nov 4, 2024

They take little swipes at you and are "just joking". Insist you do things their way, as YOUR WAY isn't good enough. Are openly critical and never fail to remember in detail some error you made 14 yrs ago....


It's starting to feel like an endless pattern of disrespect, but it's the only family you have. So what can you do??



Family members can be fantastic. Wise and patient. Full of acceptance of flaws and imperfections. You've seen them out there in the world - your friends might have one. They seem to know when to just be there, the right way to assist without taking over, and are always positive, loving and encouraging.


But what about when your parent or sibling is just not that great? Not present, not supportive. Seemingly unmoved and unimpressed - or even downright condescending, self-absorbed or contemptuous.


How do you manage the relationship so you can, a) be in each other's lives, and b) make the most of what you DO have...


1. Acknowledge the reasons they are the way they are.


Be curious. Ask about their own family relationships and the way they grew up. Perhaps there are some clues as to why they react the way they do or are triggered or particularly sensitive about certain things. Perhaps their beliefs were formed through their own traumatic experiences or deep struggles.


This information is for your own understanding, don't be tempted to try to psychoanalyse or judge them (or worse, use it as gossip or ammunition). It won't be helpful.


Instead, understanding gives you some perspective, and allows you to "walk in their shoes' and see things more clearly from their point of view. It doesn't excuse their behaviour but it can help you build empathy (and perhaps see their comments as projections of their own world, rather than a personal attack).


2. Know your limits (manage boundaries).


Know what is ok, and what is NOT ok for you.


Think about the recurring arguments and niggly conversations that come up all the time. How do these start and what role do YOU usually play? How do they normally end?


Consider what is unacceptable or disrespectful to you. Define it clearly to yourself so you can recognise it when it next occurs. Plan what you will do and practice with an empty chair (pretend they're sitting there in the chair).


If you do want to discuss the issue with them directly, it may be useful to communicate using "I" statements. For example:


  • "I feel uneasy when we discuss this topic, it gets in the way of us connecting"

    or

  • "I've noticed that we think differently about this issue, perhaps we can just agree to disagree" or

  • "I get upset when this happens, let's change the subject"...


Resist the need to blame and do consider your own role in the pattern of communication that may have been unhelpful to you both in the past. You have more choice than you think, and you are in charge of your own responses.


3. Find neutral ground and a way to connect.


Seek out topics that are "safe", ones that won't trigger either of you. When things go off track, imagine you are viewing the entire scene from a balcony above. (This is a great tactic to maintain a stronger and calmer stance).

Remember no-one can "push your buttons" unless you give them permission to. Your attitude and mood is always your own choice.

Turn your focus to soothing yourself and verbally acknowledging what's happening in the moment, i.e. "this is getting into dangerous territory, I may need to disengage soon", "I feel like we're starting to argue, I'm going to take five minutes to have some water/walk outside". If it's safe to stay engaged, steer back towards a safe or neutral topic if possible. Use kind humour or take a pause to soften and defuse the moment if you can. Walk away when needed and if you feel your emotions heighten, you can always return once you feel grounded again.


4. Manage your emotions.


When you feel yourself getting triggered it may be helpful to find a grounding technique that suits you. Note: Grounding yourself and managing big feelings gets easier with practice!


My favourite quick calming techniques include focusing on taking five slow, deliberate, deep, soothing belly breaths, un-tensing my body, one muscle at a time, or attempting to wiggle each toe in turn. Drinking a cool drink, running cold water over your hands for 20 seconds or taking 5 minutes to wander outside are super effective too.


These practices also disrupt the old patterns you've both come to know - you may notice your family member starting to respond differently, seeing you taking a new, calmer, less defensive and boundaried stance. Managing your own emotions can call unavoidable attention to their own role in continuing a conflict too, which is a useful bonus.


Tune in to your 'self-talk' and use a kind and encouraging voice to yourself. Remember, this conflict may not actually be about you personally. Your job is to maintain your own equilibrium and be as respectful as you can be (towards your family member and yourself).


Learn more about grounding and self-regulation by searching Google and/or seeing a therapist like me. It's a life skill that works in any high-stress situation. Just know, you CAN do this. And it can start today.


5. Consider meeting your needs elsewhere.


With regards to family relationships, consider the following question: Which of my needs are not being fulfilled in this relationship?


Explore where else you could obtain aspects of the support, encouragement, guidance or connection that you seek. There may be someone else in your world who could be an additional "mother-like" figure or "sister-like" friend or "father-like" supporter. Perhaps your own expectations of specific people may be holding you back?


The truth is, your family member may be limited in some ways. This is a fact that may feel hard to accept. But there are others who are possibly better equipped to see you authentically and show a genuine interest in your life. Untold benefits may be just around the corner...


Finally, don't forget, everyone experiences family conflict at times in their life. Managing your triggers, seeking greater understanding, knowing how to effectively soothe and comfort your emotions, and identifying your specific connection needs are EXTREMELY USEFUL starting points.


Have some questions? Would you like to learn more about therapy, family relationships or communication? Contact Counselling with Carolyn here or comment below and follow me on Facebook or Instagram - @counsellingbycarolyn


Carolyn xx



Learn more about counselling: www.talktocarolyn.com

Read more blog posts: www.talktocarolyn.com.au/blog

Visit Carolyn's Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/counsellingbycarolyn

Book in for counselling here.

0 comments

Recent Posts

See All

टिप्पणियां


bottom of page