They take little swipes at you and are "just joking". Insist you do things their way as YOUR WAY isn't good enough. Are openly critical and never fail to remember in detail some error you made 14 yrs ago....
It's starting to feel like a bad deal, but it's the only family you have. So what can you do??
Family members can be fantastic. Wise and patient. Full of acceptance of flaws and imperfections.
You've seen them around. Your friends might have one. They seem to know when to just be there, the right way to assist without taking over, and are always positive and encouraging.
But what about when your mum/in-law/father/sister/brother is just not that great? Not present, not supportive. Seemingly unmoved and unimpressed or even downright condescending, self-absorbed or contemptuous.
How do you manage the relationship so you can a) be in each other's lives, and b) make the most of what you DO have...
1. Acknowledge the reasons they are the way they are.
Be curious. Ask about their own family relationships and the way they grew up. Perhaps there are some clues as to why he/she reacts the ways they do or is triggered/particularly sensitive about certain things.
This information is for your own understanding, don't be tempted to try to psychoanalyse or judge him/her (or worse, use it as gossip or ammunition). It won't be helpful.
Understanding gives you perspective and allows you to "walk in their shoes' and see things from their point of view. It doesn't excuse their behaviour but it can help you build empathy (and perhaps not take their comments so personally).
2. Know your limits (manage boundaries).
Know what is ok and what is NOT ok for you.
Think about the recurring arguments/niggly conversations that come up all the time. How do these start and what role do YOU usually play?
Consider what is unacceptable or disrespectful to you. Plan what you will do if they cross that line or emotions quickly escalate, (for instance, you could walk outside for fresh air or steer the subject to a neutral topic).
If you do want to discuss the issue with them directly, it may be useful to communicate using "I" statements. For example, "I feel uneasy when we discuss this topic", or "I get upset when this happens, let's change the topic". Resist the need to blame and do take responsibility for your own role in the pattern of communication that has ben unhelpful to you both in the past.
3. Find neutral ground and a way to connect.
Seek out topics that are "safe", ones that won't trigger either of you. When things go off track, imagine you are viewing the entire scene from a balcony above. (This is a great tactic to maintain a stronger and calmer stance).
Remember no-one can "push your buttons" unless you give them permission to. Your attitude and mood is your own responsibility.
Turn your focus to soothing yourself, focussing on your own experience and thoughts, and steering back towards a safe or neutral topic if possible. Remember to express gratitude, use humour or take a pause to soften and defuse the moment if you can.
4. Contain your emotions.
When you feel yourself getting triggered it may be helpful to find a grounding technique that suits you. Note: Grounding yourself and managing big feelings gets easier with practice!
My favourite quick calming techniques include focussing on taking ten slow, deep, soothing belly breaths, untensing my body, one muscle at a time, or attempting to wiggle each toe in turn. Drinking a cool drink, running cold water over your hands for 20 seconds or taking 5 minutes to wander outside are super effective too.
Tune in to your 'self-talk' and use a kind and encouraging voice to yourself. Remember, this conflict may not actually be about you personally. Your job is to maintain your own sense of calm and be as respectful as you can be (towards your family member and yourself).
Learn more about grounding and self-regulation on the net or in my office. Just know, you CAN do this.
5. Meet your needs elsewhere.
With regards to family relationships, consider the following question: What need do I have that's not being fulfilled?
Explore where else you could obtain aspects of the support/encouragement/guidance or connection that you seek. There may be someone else in your world who could be an additional "mother-like" figure or "sister-like" friend or "father-like" supporter. Perhaps your own expectations of people may be holding you back?
Finally, don't forget, everyone experiences family conflict at times in their life. Managing your triggers, seeking greater understanding of the other person and knowing how to effectively soothe and comfort your own emotions are EXTREMELY USEFUL starting points.
Have some questions? Would you like to learn more about therapy, family relationships or communication? Contact Counselling with Carolyn here or comment below and follow me on Facebook or Instagram - @counsellingbycarolyn
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