Adapting your parenting as your daughter grows up (and becomes an adult herself) can be challenging. Relinquishing control and providing space and time for her to set her own path, decide things for herself and make her own mistakes is so important yet not always easy to do. Read on to learn more...
Your baby is now fully grown (or perhaps she has been for quite some time...) and yet you find yourself unable to entirely let go. You feel drawn to be a part of her life, but there's tension and a feeling of growing distance between you.
When you do talk, you may find yourself feeling compelled to try to steer her towards safety and/or attempt to protect her from the many pitfalls that may lie ahead in life... all too familiar challenges that you may have experienced yourself. But, your well-intended words of wisdom, advice or warnings are falling on deaf ears, or worse, may be generating unnecessary painful conflict between you.
This could be because your style of guidance is simply not needed by your daughter now - she requires something more imperative from you. An important and unavoidable shift may have occurred without either of you realising it...
The Shift
There is a pivotal time in your relationship with your daughter when something new is needed from you, the parent. The change may happen slowly, anytime from the later teenage years. Without conscious adaptation, conflict can emerge and continue well into later adult years, becoming a source of on-going (and unnecessary) frustration for you both.
As a parent, the growing distance between you is the first sign that a new approach is needed. The shift is a subtle but important transition as your daughter naturally embraces her own uniqueness and begins to live life on her own terms.
Here's how to adjust:
Withhold judgement
Acceptance is the most precious gift you can give another person. If acceptance could talk, it would say "to me, you are enough, just as you are". It's a game-changer and it's something you can choose to introduce into your relationship at any stage.
Your genuine, loving acceptance can encourage your daughter to flourish and feel cherished and valued for who she is. Non-judgmental acknowledgment of your daughter's truth provides a springboard for her growth and self-determination, and it supports her in embracing her true identity and authenticity.
Allowing your daughter to face and overcome difficult challenges on her own terms and in her own time will contribute to her development as a strong, independent individual. It is learning that will underpin her evolution as an adult.
2. Curiosity is EVERYTHING
The hardest yet most important shift you can make as a parent is to move from a place of authority to a place of sincere curiosity.
Sincere curiosity involves seeking to know and understand your daughter's world as it is now. Ask open-ended questions that encourage sharing and that allow you to learn about her. Practice silence. Listen closely and patiently and she will tell you who she is. Be wary of correcting her or pushing your own solutions or opinions. Sincere questions encourage connection and promote the health of your relationship with your daughter, and importantly, your own growth as a parent.
Be consistent in your curiosity about her to show her that you're changing your communication style, are seeking to understand and that you're genuinely open to a new pattern of relating. Listen patiently and allow her to paint a picture of her world.
3. Accept her truth
Sincere and genuine curiosity will allow you to better understand your daughter's reality and the person she has become. Acceptance of this reality may sometimes mean doing some of your own emotional work. This is particularly helpful if your tendency to want to control or influence aspects of your daughter's world creates a barrier between you.
Doing your own emotional work may include exploration and management of your own expectations (of your own parenting role as well as her role as a daughter) and developing the ability to value your daughter for who she is in the present. Developing acceptance is a process and it can be supported with professional help from a therapist (like me), so that you can better understand your own emotional landscape and motivations.
It's never too late
It is NEVER too late to improve your relationship with your daughter. Small and deliberate shifts in your relational communication style can help so much.
Imagine morphing your relationship into a more respectful, mutually enjoyable zone - free from judgement, conflict and tension. Acceptance, openness, encouragement and supportive behaviours and language allow space for emotional trust to be built, appreciation to be nurtured and a new dynamic to replace the old (outgrown) one.
*Need help? I work with families to encourage healthy communication, the healing of old wounds and a forging of stronger bonds that reflect respect and understanding. Small changes can reap enormous rewards for everyone. All you need is a little motivation. Let's get started.
Carolyn xx
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