They are struggling. They've hit rock bottom and can't see a way forward. They want to be listened to, heard and understood yet you don't have a clue how to do this successfully. Read on...
It's EXTREMELY difficult to watch someone you care about struggling with sadness, the lowest of low moods, difficulties in coping and/or distancing from the things they usually love.
If you have no idea how to "hold a space" for someone, or know what to say or do, read on...
Maybe you've tried to outline helpful solutions, or presented numerous options that would really help (you've probably come up with some brilliant suggestions... if your friend would only just listen). Maybe they've ignored you... or become even more distant as a result.
You might have tried to just sit and listen, but found your own feelings bubbling over. Maybe you've suggested "it'll all be fine", or even tried to fill the silence by pointing out how much better off they are compared to some other people... but none of it has worked.
So how DO you stay present with someone, validate their feelings, express empathy and be true to your own feelings at the same time? Consider these:
1. Imagine creating a 'container' for anything they want to share
Think of it this way. Your loved one needs a welcoming, trusted place to express the OVERFLOW of how they're feeling right now. This may be in words, gestures or in long, companionable silences.
This is where you come in. You can provide a safe metaphorical 'container' for the overflow of their thoughts to be spilled into. Your ability to witness the spill of thoughts, feelings and energy, (while remaining securely grounded), is possibly a super-hero talent you didn't know you had...
Your warmth and open curiosity will encourage the flow of feelings and thoughts, assisting your friend to explore and share what these feelings are like for them. Being able to express these things freely and honestly helps your friend to feel 'embraced' by your presence - less alone, more actively heard and warmly understood.
When you resist the urge to correct, suggest, point things out, direct or judge, you also communicate to your friend that their feelings and thoughts are valid (even if you disagree with them), and are real for them.
2. Curiosity and Validation
Invite your friend to share anything on their mind. Remember to trust that they know their own thoughts and ways in which they feel already.
They are the "experts" on their own thoughts and feelings. Ask open questions, take the time needed and become comfortable with loooooong silences as these may be needed at times.
A word on emotions: please remember - you're not taking on their struggles. Instead you're attending to,witnessing and validating what is real in their eyes.
Where appropriate, gently summarise or paraphrase what you've heard:
"what I hear you saying is..." or
"it sounds like you're feeling/thinking... is that right?"
Focus on accurately summarising how they've described it all. Use a warm, curious, humble and attentive tone to validate all that they've expressed.
Please note, doing this does not mean that you are AGREEING with their point of view or thought process, it simply means you are seeing and respecting what is real for them right now.
Validating and noticing the things that are real for them right now is a huge comfort to someone who is stuck or struggling and shows much needed empathy and validation.
Don't be tempted to add a solution, fix the problem or suggest a way forward to your friend. These are not helpful and may invalidate or shut them down - the opposite of what you're trying to do.
3. Check in with yourself often
Help out when you feel emotionally solid, grounded and well-rested. This is your own strong foundation.
Try to identify and contain any of your personal defenses, reactions and triggers in relation to this relationship if you can.
This is about them. Perhaps you're grieving the loss of the friendship the way it used to be. You miss their old optimism, sense of fun and willingness to do things together.
These are valid thoughts and feelings that are worthy of deep self-compassion. Pay attention to how full your own cup is, and reach whole-heartedly for the things that fill it.
Maybe you need to do more of the things you love, connect to your own supports or practice mindfulness or other nurturing, self-soothing practices. Acknowledging and grieving the changes in your relationship with this person may be an important first step towards gaining a fresh perspective.
4. Do what you can and no more
Look after you.
Do what you can but be aware of 'fitting your own oxygen mask first'. (One of my favourite sayings!) Your own well-being is always the number one priority.
Feelings of helplessness and resentment will not help either of you, so allow yourself permission to give only from your 'excess' of strength, groundedness and resilience.
It is important to know that you can't fix or change someone else's experience and there are limits to what you can do. Being honest with your friend (and yourself) about these limits may be essential if you feel your lives have become unsustainably entwined or there is a clear mismatch of expectations from one or both of you.
So in summary, 'being there' for a friend or family member in need can be challenging. Think in terms of providing a "container" for the person's shared thoughts, feelings and observations without judgement, additional commentary, invalidation or triggering yourself. Listen actively as they share their experiences and explore what is real for them right now. Pay attention to your own feelings and follow up on any needs that you have so you can attend to them immediately.
Want to discuss this more? Ask me, I'm an Australian Counselling Association registered Counsellor. Click here for more information about booking a session for counselling or training.
Carolyn xxx
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