What holds you back? It may be a memory, an event, a feeling, an opinion, a loss, an experience, a belief or even a thoughtless one-liner someone dropped years ago that still haunts you.... It happened. And from that moment on, you saw yourself differently.
Saw yourself through a slightly altered lens.
The issue may be standing in your way. In the way of your own self-acceptance, happiness, optimism, hope, satisfaction or progress. Whenever you consider your future, it's there doing what it always does. Distracting you, making you doubt yourself, or even paralysing you at times. It has extraordinary power over you.
Because of it, you may have avoided certain situations, denied yourself opportunities, acted differently, said out-of-character things, and coped as best you could.
The issue seems to have a long-lasting momentum of its own. It follows you around, creating that familiar yet unwelcome feeling, even after many years have passed.
You don't want to feel this way anymore, but you may not know how else to cope. So how do you begin to tackle change in this area?
1. Identify what is holding you back.
Think about the triggering thoughts that bring the past rushing back. Trace back to the initial words that you say to yourself about it each time. These thoughts tend to repeat along the same lines and have a negative or limiting quality to them. Consider:
My triggers to past painful memories are...
Emotions that accompany my painful thoughts are...
I tend to... in response to these feelings.
2. Write it down.
Record your responses in words or a diagram. Use colours, be creative or simply jot it in a notebook. You may see a pattern emerging that resonates or helps you link to what's happening more clearly.
3. Exercise empathy.
Speak to yourself kindly on the issue. Display the sort of empathy that you would to a child, be soothing and encouraging. Gently challenge the way you think about the issue. Consider the questions:
Could there be other angles that I haven't considered before? What are they?
Could there be a healthier way to cope with the feelings that arise? What could be some other ways that I could try?
4. Forgiveness experiment.
What would it be like if you could forgive the person, event or situation?
Imagine you could say: "It is what it is, it's not right, fair, accurate or ok.... but I choose to no longer allow it to determine my emotions, or take up space in my head."
Imagine "parking" your thoughts and feelings on the matter and revisiting them only when you choose, at important times such as an anniversary or allocated interval that you have decided on.
How would you feel if you could forgive and set it safely aside for now? What would you do differently in life? What would change for you?
4. Seek assistance.
Curious and want to delve deeper?
Counsellors, psychologists, mentors, supportive friends and family and organisations set up to provide support are all an essential part of your team. Your GP is always a great starting point. Consider too, the sports, hobbies, crafts and other areas of your life that you haven't visited with lately. What do you need right now and how can you make a start?
This is all about you and you can do this, one step at a time.
Need further information on counselling, letting go of the past or establishing boundaries in your life? Contact me here. I'm a registered Counsellor and love assisting men, women and couples to get their lives and relationships back on track.
Carolyn Ganzevoort
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