Yes. Let's talk about it.
As a couple's therapist the subject of sex comes up ALL THE TIME. And that makes perfect sense.
When couples disconnect, sex and physical intimacy are usually among the first things to disappear. Let's talk about:
- surprising turn-ons that you may not have considered
- date nights - why they're so important
- knowing each other's "language"
- talking about sex: a very quick How To guide
1. Surprising turn-ons
- her seeing you playing with the children, doing the washing, fixing something that's broken, vacuuming without being asked...
- both putting your phones down whenever the other is talking (simple, yet so, so important to show you value and prioritise your partner above all things)...
- playfulness, fun and funny actions, words, texts and plans to do fun things...
- daily considerate acts like always offering the other a drink or a snack when you get your own, or doing something they love without being asked...
- expressing regular, genuine appreciation (this one my friend, is a game-changer for couples)...
- minor additional effort with your appearance. Nothing over the top. Little changes showcase your improved respect for both yourself and your partner...
- We've all heard "happy wife, happy life", but what about simply ensuring you both have regular time for recreation and things you love to do? The glow that comes from feeling fulfilled is an amazingly attractive quality, especially if you return looking, feeling and sounding excited and happy...
2. Date Nights
They're essential.
If you take nothing else from this blog post, please remember: Dates are like oxygen for relationships.
If you struggle to find time/babysitters/money/ideas, just bear in mind that couples need adventures (my clients hear me say this all the time) and adventures can be found almost ANYWHERE.
It may be a bike ride, learning something together from YouTube, an hour in the evening spent playing board games or simply just talking, laughing and being playful. It can take place on the veranda, in the garden, on the trampoline. The most important factors are regularity, originality, lack of distractions and fun.
Experiencing new and interesting moments together are vitally important to re-lighting your spark.
3. Knowing each other's "language"
- Find out the key things that your partner says makes them feel most loved by you. Remember them. Make a commitment to do more of these things regularly....
- Find out the things that trigger (very quickly escalate) your partner's emotions, i.e. the conversations, topics, actions or instances when she/he gets instantly angry, hurt, sad or defensive. Become an expert on what communication works best for your partner (and feels equally fulfilling for you) and do more of this instead.
4. Talking about sex
If you've implemented the above tips and hints then, my dear reader, you may find that conditions are right to talk sex and intimacy. If you're both out of practice, it is extraordinarily useful to schedule regular intimate time into your week.
WHAAAAT?! I hear you ask..... Schedule it, and it see what happens. You might both be pleasantly surprised...
Begin with simple conversations. Consider sharing your thoughts on what you adore about each other and what puts you in the mood. This might be downright awkward to start with, but is essential to nurture openness, honesty and mutual understanding around intimacy. Hold hands, enjoy non-sexual touch and take the pressure off to start with.
Don't forget to talk about your intimate time together the next day. Reviewing is all part of that open honesty and will build better understanding, appreciation and knowledge about each other and, in turn strong intimate bonds and trust.
Need assistance or would like to learn more? Ask me, I'm an Australian Counselling Association registered Counsellor with a special interest in couples and families and I'd LOVE to help.
Carolyn Ganzevoort x
Counselling by Carolyn
Whittlesea, Vic
or Skype/Zoom/Messenger
0417 393 770
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