Your relationship is not what it once was. She wants change. You want things to change but have no idea where to start. Welcome to my office...
Have you reached a turning point in your relationship? Maybe you're no longer certain about what the future holds. You can't bear the thought of losing your family, your partner, your world.
Here are some steps you can take TODAY to help you become the best partner you can be:
How ok are you?
Communication Gold
Positive stuff you can do right now
Control issues
How ok are you?
Think back to when you were your healthiest, happiest and most satisfied with your life.
What were you doing?
What were you focused on?
What things did you enjoy?
How did you cope with/manage challenges?
Now consider this question: how could you get back to doing a little more of what makes you feel happy, healthy and content - starting today?
Think about what you value most in life. Identify your top 5 things. Is your life geared around these? Do you make decisions with these things in mind?
Taking care of you is like putting on your oxygen mask before helping others. If you are running on empty, it's likely that the relationship will be too...
Communication Gold
This is INCREDIBLY important. And also easy.
And once you've learnt this, you'll become a Master Of Empathy (not really, but I promise it will help).
1. Listen to your partner without thinking about how to solve the problem for her. Just listen and hear her words. Let her say all she needs to say. Be interested and present with her.
2. Be sincerely curious. Encourage her. Ask open questions, no leading or dismissive questions please (as if you would do that!) Try to determine where your partner's coming from and why it matters to her.
3. Summarise back how she says she feels about her concern (not how she SHOULD feel or how YOU feel) and imagine what that must be like for her. Get into her shoes for a moment and empathise.
4. Offer support. Once your partner has expressed herself and you've gained some new perspective on her stance, then, and only then, you can ask "how can I help?" She may want your help, but most likely it's the listening and empathy that she wants more than anything. And in that one moment, you've built a bridge between you...
This is a game-changer my friend.
The challenge is, from this moment onward, to change the way you would normally react. At some point you'll want to point out the answer, offer advice, direction and/or possibly dismiss what she's saying.
Because you might think you know what she "should" do to make her concern go away.
Don't do that. Do this (1-4 above) instead.
(You can thank me later).
Positive stuff you can do right NOW
Express gratitude, acknowledge the efforts of others, appreciate the little things, be humble, arrange quality time/adventures together, provide regular assurance (don't make her guess how you feel or what you're thinking), do considerate things without being asked, be playful and fun, form healthy new habits, and express yourself more fully, using "feeling" words.
Simple!!! No seriously - do as many from this list as you can, as often as you can.
Finally, recognise the particular events, topics, or emotions that trigger you or "push your buttons". Get familiar with these and learn how to soothe yourself when these things arise. A counsellor (like me) can help you with that.
Focus only on the things you can control
Things you CAN control
your own emotions
your mood
your attitude
the way you view yourself
your choices in relation to health - food, sleep and exercise
your words
the time you spend on your phone
your ability to communicate well (see above)
your help (podcasts, counsellors, psychologists, doctors, articles, videos, blogs)
the quality and amount of time you spend with your kids
the decisions you make
Things you CAN'T control
your partner's actions
your partner's emotions
your partner's decisions
your partner's habits
other people's opinions
other people's needs
your mother-in-law's attitude
the footy score
that barking dog next door
Becoming the best partner you can be takes time and commitment. It may involve learning new strategies and changing the way you respond to or view a situation. It may also mean being more present, or tuned in, more empathic and considerate. Things you are certainly capable of, my friend.
The results of your personal growth in relation to your current situation may vary, depending on your partner's own journey, but the tools you learn will ensure that you are operating at your very best relationship-wise, regardless of the things you can't control.
Carolyn x
Counselling by Carolyn is a counselling practice located in Whittlesea, Victoria specialising in assisting men, women, children and families with emotions, thought patterns, problems, concerns, relationships and family dynamics.
Follow Carolyn on Facebook or check out her website www.counsellingbycarolyn.webs.com to learn more or to place a booking.
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