The relationship didn't last but you have one or more beautiful children together. How do you successfully separate and co-parent when it's tough to even speak nicely to each other?
You'd prefer to never lay eyes on your ex-partner EVER again! But those kids need two parents who are coping well with life (and each other) so what do you do????
1. Give yourself permission to grieve the loss and changed circumstances.
With any change (even welcome change) grief may be present. Take time to sit quietly with the pain, hurt, sadness, disappointment and anger that you feel.
Label the emotion and notice where you feel it in your body. Is it a brand new feeling or does it remind you of something you experienced at another time in your life? What thoughts accompany the feeling and are these thoughts helpful/valid?
Be extra kind to you in terms of thoughts, self-talk and self-comforting. Write, draw, run, dance or invent any other way to express your feelings as often as you like.
Avoid the (strong) temptation to dive straight into a shiny new relationship or unhealthy 'escape' type activities - these may temporarily mask feelings, however they can bubble back up over time in troubling ways. Time spent now is essential to an emotionally healthy recovery and ability to create a workable co-parenting relationship.
2. Reach out to your network.
Those special to you - your closest friends, family and supportive professionals will be a great source of support right now. Be selective about who you confide in and do it only when you're ready.
Create some regular "me time". This is invaluable right now as you've never needed emotional, physical and social self-care more than you do right now.
3. Reconnect with sources of authentic joy.
Reconnect with things that thrill you, that soothe your mind and that give you something special to build or look forward to. Identify what makes your heart sing and plan how to incorporate more of it directly or indirectly into your life. Cater to your own weird and wonderful passions and interests.
Redecorate your environment gradually. Replace old items that remind you of painful times with colours, textures and images that uplift you. Start today, you'll be amazed at the difference these little things make. Move family photos to the children's rooms and personalise the space to suit you.
Start unique rituals that you and your children love to engage in together. Games night, reading time, Taco Tuesdays etc. Develop a special arrangement for drop offs and pick-ups that the children can depend on and that helps them to relate these sadder times to dependable routines that make them feel secure and loved.
Speak well of their other parent and demonstrate respect - the kids are watching you both, grieving in their own way. Secure and calm interactions support this transition.
4. Find the growth opportunities.
What are the significant lessons you've learnt in this relationship?
What were you responsible for and how can you plan some self-improvement in that regard?
Growth as a person involves taking some ownership for both the good and the bad of the relationship (even if your ex never does this themselves). Review your own performance and take measures to ensure you're bringing fresh evolution and learning into this next chapter of your life.
Grow as a parent. Do a parenting course or talk to other parents you know that have successfully co-parented after divorce. You've never co-parented before, so learn all that you can from the web, mentors, books, podcasts, counsellors (like me), parenting coaches etc.
5. Keep an eye on your health.
As a single parent, you have a responsibility to look after your own health, diet, exercise and emotional well-being. Don't be afraid to prioritise these and follow up on anything unusual that you feel, see or sense.
6. See a professional for support.
If the relationship with your ex-partner is going badly and you're feeling overwhelmed and confused about what to do, seek information.
Learning about mediation, child custody, financial affairs settlement, legal matters and the like is an important part of a breakup when children are involved. Decisions happen very quickly and you can handle this period better if you're well prepared and informed.
Seek information and take advantage of any source of expert advice that you can access (see the links list below). Ask LOTS of questions. Start a notebook and record everything you learn along the way.
7. Don't be drawn into an argument
Avoid arguing it out with your ex-partner, don't stand for an abusive tone or language from them, it is not helpful, and your emotional safety is paramount. It may seem extreme but consider making a safety plan for yourself and your children should things turn nasty, threatening or abusive from your ex. See an excellent booklet on this here.
See a counsellor like me if you are struggling emotionally and need a space to work through the emotions such as grief, loss and develop healthy restorative practices.
You can do this. Avoid conflict, know your rights, de-escalate communications as much as possible and focus on self-care, safety and connecting to loved ones, as well as creating simple, dependable new routines for your children.
Some useful links can be found here:
Family Relationships Advice Line 1800 050 321
Family Relationships Online website: www.familyrelationships.gov.au/
Find local Family Relationships Help https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/find-local-help
You and Family Law https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/separation/you-family-law
Parenting Agreements https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/parenting/parenting-agreements
Department of Human Services website - to find out about child support and your financial entitlements and download their useful publications. www.humanservices.gov.au/separatedparents
1800 Respect Domestic family violence counselling service 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/
Carolyn xx
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